Something i emailed to my sch friends:

Hello friends! you know lately i've been feeling a mixed of emotions, a lot of ups and downs, feelings of being sian and stressed, happy, thankful, ungrateful, gossipy, whatever, like a whole plethora of emotions and i'm struggling to find my anchor in God.

I listened to this sermon my good friend recommended to me and i'm really quite shaken out again. like what am i living for...... do i want to see the lost come to know God... what does my heart ache for... and the one great thing i really struggle so badly with is how i am absolutely terrified of sharing the gospel with my grandma, or my relatives. like during the sermon as i listened i was like mannn.. how in the world can i share the gospel with them. i can't i can't i can't i can't... and i wished God would just do sth..

But i guess the starting point is perhaps realising it's not what we do but what God does, but really whether i would empty myself for them, whether i would stand in the gap for them.. and the same thought goes when we think of all our medicine friends.. like through playhouse, i've come to interact with so many people for perhaps the first few times in med sch. and then more than just getting thru playhouse so i can study for MBBS, perhaps the qn is whether my heart aches for the lost, whether i love these people, whether i care about them..

and honestly the question is no.. i don't really really care about them i just wanna get on with my revision get on with this playhouse and perhaps just make some friends along the way kinda thing... that's the ugly truth about my heart and as i think about it and listened to this sermon i'm reminded again that i've to check my heart. i've to check where i'm at.. and i've to ask God to give me the courage to love, the courage to be emptied, the courage to really stand in the gap, to reach out, all at the risk of looking like a fool for Christ. and i don't like looking like a fool which is why i really need the courage from God...
and i guess that courage really comes from a deep walk with God and a deep love for Him, and to experience His love for us. To know that we are called by named and that we are chosen by God, that nothing can separate us from His love and that he loves us so much He died for us..

That's what it's all about i think, and i think i'm getting a glimpse of the big picture better but i am so stiff and self-conscious and perhaps too shy with people i don't know that well(debatable) i need a lot of God's love and ya i really need a lot of that.. need a lot of tarrying in His presence and to know Him, before i can even fathom emptying myself for my brothers, or for the lost..
so please pray for me and please encourage me, and of course let's pray for each other and encourage one another, ohh and since this sounds like hebrews 10 let me quote it Hebrews 10:22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful. and let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

the link for the sermon is below hope it'll encourage u and perhaps realign our perspectives to God again... Let's live for Him and go all the way for Him..

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/think-hard-stay-humble-the-life-of-the-mind-and-the-peril-of-pride