From Tan Lifeng, fellow med student and a president scholar from my batch.. (After reading this, i wrote my previous blog post)
reproduced with permission :

Med School

It is yet another sleepy day and so i'm up writing. Have been feeling rather listless over these past few days. Just bored of things. Not feeling motivated to do any particular thing. Which is very unfortunate and not very salubrious because there are CAs coming up and right now I don't feel like I care much for them. (haha i'm not the only one)

Something that's been hanging over me these few days has been school. med school. and what on earth I am in med school for. Don't get me wrong, I know why I applied for med school. I still distinctly know in my heart that God wants me here. It's just that at times, I can't see why, I don't feel why, I don't understand why.

It's interesting that as I think back, God could not have been clearer about anything in my life coming to medicine. Sometimes of course there are shards of doubt, but mostly I'm still very sure I was meant to apply for medicine. And medicine in NUS at that. I remember being distracted by the array of universities in J2, being wowed by the big US universities, by sharings from the various scholarship boards, UK universities. I distinctly remember applying for PPE; filling in the form, writing the essay, consulting Mrs. C (which was a really frightening experience and one that took me much courage to do) and at the point of being almost ready for submission, I found myself just unable to do so. My hands were literally trembling, my soul was tremulous, and I knew at that instant deep in my soul that applying for anything other than medicine in NUS would be betraying myself and my inner core. As such whilst everyone was frantically applying to all sorts of places, my life was very simple and stress-free. Even when others were applying to US unis and just 'trying their luck', I felt hardly an impetus or temptation to apply for any. I could've applied for medicine overseas, but at that point in time there was no plausible source of funding and i didn't feel the need to do so.

So in the end, the only 2 courses I applied for were NUS med and NUS science. only 2.

There was a point however when there was an inner itch to see if perhaps I could get a ticket overseas. I'm not sure what gave me the audacity to do so, but out of sheer impulse one day I emailed my PSC officer asking her if PSC would consider sending me overseas even though university applications had obviously closed by then. People were telling me how PSC has the power to get university places beyond the standard application process, but even then that was a rather audacious and somewhat arrogant move on my part. I was promptly rapped for that at a subsequent interview. heh.

So I'm here in med and have spent the past almost 2 years in the compounds of our fair faculty. It has been a journey marked with a lot of pain and deep struggles, and much joy and good times too. And most certainly experiencing far greater measures of God's grace through the dark valleys. Feeling lost so many times, feeling concussed from a massive whack on the head out of nowhere, going through depression, confronting many things which i did not, absolutely did not like. I thought university was meant to be a honeymoon period, at times it has seemed like a honeymoon gone wrong. heh. But that's not to say that all of it has been mired with struggles and frustration. That's not actually the case. As i look back at photos and various activities I engaged in, there were lots of interesting experiences, people and days filled with sunshine and joy. Surprisingly. Perhaps we let bad things stick more than good things. But also I suppose because a lot of the struggles and pitfalls came insidiously and subtlely. It was a slippery slope down into depression and the valleys I did not want to tumble into. Still, through it all I have learnt that indeed the Lord is my shepherd, and though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. I have experienced the comforting of the Lord's staff and rod in ways that transcend understanding and what i deserve. I see that all of it was part of God's breaking process for my life, had I not been allowed to crash and broken up into smithereens, I can't imagine what a monster I would be right now, and yes surely I was headed down certain gravely wrong paths had God not intervened. Not that I don't still have monstrous elements to myself right now, but I can say that God keeping me here in NUS med saved my soul. Really.

I've had the grace and blessing to see God move mightily not just in my life but in the campus and the lives of those around me. MCF has been a tremendous experience, fellowshipping with brothers and sisters in Christ who are so set apart for God and walking closely with God has made such an impact in my life. Even going through some issues with various friends has helped me as a person, helped me help them and grown me in how i see relationships and live them out. Joining campus crusade, and how fortuitous joining it was (i just liked that they had a vision and a distinct pulse over the other Christian orgs, certainly didn't expect it to be what it is!). Having met wonderful mentors and being shown what discipleship is, the crusaders who truly give all of their lives to God, not holding anything back, their sincere and utmost devotion to God has truly humbled and inspired me in the heavenward journey. Having the chance to be ministered to and to minister to others in turn has been an experience like no other. Coming into uni I thought I had sorted out my spirituality, but the past 2 years have shown me how I've only been drinking milk all this while and that moving on to solid food and the way of Christian discipleship and following Jesus is a long but exciting journey ahead.

So I can see the work God has done in and around me being in NUS med, I still remember clearly the conviction God put in me when I first applied, and yet at times each day feels so meaningless and insignificant to me. Sometimes I feel like I dont care if I were alive or dead since the days feel so amorphous and bleagh to me. heh. Even apart from studies, I find I have to drag myself to various things at times, there is sometimes a flicker of fire within me, but many times I wonder if i'm just trying to stoke up ambers which are dying out already. Sometimes I find joy, but at times that joy seems so elusive and transient. Sometimes I think that perhaps I'm to learn perseverance, so I grit my teeth and plunge in headlong though every sinew in my body tells me to do otherwise. If there's something God's been showing me repeatedly this period, it's the great love He has for me. I get this sense at times that God is writing in the sky "I love you!!" and I've learnt to catch it and appreciate it more with time, but still I feel at a loss and very much confused about my life at this point. God's really been showering me with His love over the past few months, just stirrings within my soul that I know are from Him and that find me dumbfounded at times because I feel so often that I don't deserve His love. And yet I know He loves me anyway just as I am. I know, and I have received, perhaps not perfectly, but I have let God touch and overwhelm my heart in ways that I never thought He could.

And yet I still feel like I'm grasping for something in the air, grasping for something that's not there. I dont even know what I'm grasping for and what I'm supposed to be grasping. Perhaps my problem is that I've been grasping for the wrong things, seeking purpose and direction rather than seeking God Himself? Maybe. But well i'm aware of it and i dont think i seek God just for that, or maybe i do, i don't know. heh. It's been 2 years of grasping. That's a pretty long time. Lord, I don't understand, I don't understand. And I've been reminded that we don't need to understand always, trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight. So I walk, I live each day as it comes, not understanding but still walking, but sometimes not understanding how to walk without understanding. haha.

Perhaps one day I will know. Maybe at graduation, maybe at 40, maybe in heaven when I meet God and share in His joy and the humour behind all this. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, before even a word is on my lips you know if full well, such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

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i love her writing i wished i could write like that.. anyway i'm sure those going into uni soon will find this a very interesting read...