hello... i suddenly feel troubled and sian. today after committee meeting, i felt this like dark cloud came over me. one is, there is a mini overwhelming sense of waa so much to be done. and it's like christian activism at it's full force. but yet i feel as if there is some form of lack of depth in God. I long to be in the presence of God. It becomes apparent to me that christian activism without a deep sense of allegiance to God, to know Whose am I, Who am I, can be detrimental to the soul. It might become a distraction to a deep walk with God. A deep love for God. Friday evening, comm meeting, met my cell leaders to discuss cell stuff, sat, whole day leaders conference, sunday, whole day church, preaching in JYM... there's a prayer meeting to plan, there's cell agendas to think through. Interestingly, i'll be preaching on the key to discipleship on sunday. The key to being a genuine Christian on fire for God. Yet even i succumb to some signs of early soul fatigue. I realise my soul can be easily distracted. Christian activism can become a distraction. I long for a deep unhurried journey with Christ. To experience and taste Christ and see that He is good. I long for the power of the Holy Spirit to become a reality in my life, to see lives transformed and lives submitted to the Lordship of Christ. Yet YET YET i am lacking in faith, i am lacking in a deep prayer walk. the presence of God in my life is somewhat foggy. Sometimes i am assured of His presence, i am convicted of His truth. sometimes there is no awe, there is no wonder, there is no fear of God. I long for a fresh fear and a fresh reverence and awe of God's Almighty power. I long to see the banner of Christ lifted high, to know that we have the victory in Christ, because Oh the depravity of our society and dilution of the christian faith around me has battered my confidence and morale. I am afraid of evangelism, though i long to be a PDA christian. I want to see people turn to Christ in whole hearted surrender yet i am cowardly in my witnessing, more often choosing to please man than God. I long to see the power of Christ displayed, convicting the hearts of non believers and bringing them to a confession that Jesus Christ is Lord. I long for our Church leaders to move in the power of the Holy Spirit, in faith in the power of Christ, to speak with the conviction of the christian leaders in Acts, to have the fire of the Holy Spirit. But what i've often experienced so far is a watered down, diluted, diplomatic christianity. a comfortable christianity. a christianity that asks for God's blessings but rejects His call to surrender, death to self, carrying the cross. i myself, am guilty of being a dead christian. guilty of backsliding, guilty of serving money not God. haiz. what do i do. My sisters rejected the gospel of Christ, despite being 'christians' from young. Like me, they were involved in serving, church activities. but as can be seen, the storms of life came and revealed that their houses were built on sand. I long to see the power of God sweeping across the land, bringing my sisters back to Christ. It is so depressing and discouraging to see them wallowing in darkness. Why is it like that. I long to see the power of Christ displayed. I long for this depraved generation to come back to God. I long to fight the dark powers of the spiritual realm, to bring souls to Christ. but my soul is easily distracted. it is easily distracted. would you pray for me. Would you look around you and pray for the souls of man. Would you open your eyes to see the depravity, the sloth and slumber of our christianity. It is time to arise! it is time to move in the power of the Holy Spirit! It is a time to pray. It is a time to awaken to the attributes of God. It is a time to know that God is good, He is in control, He will bring it to pass. It is a time to know that victory is in Christ, and the devil is defeated. thus it is a time to move in the power of the HS and to win the souls of man. Oh but I am fearful. i am lacking. i am weak. I need the holy spirit in my life. I wanna know the love of Christ so deep. I wanna know the Father's heart. I really wanna be a real christian... God help me and break me.