i found myself kinda losing the big picture recently. something that happens to us quite frequently. what happen was some of us found out our surgery end of posting test was coming up on 2nd aug, which was in 1 week. what ensued was many panic hearts and frantic dash to mug and to clerk patients in the wards, and much grumbling and complaining.... i grumbled a bit, but i found myself feeling damn sian. like cos i don't really know what i can cover in 1 week, and the end of posting test is something u cannot really study for per say. but studying helps la. but seeing everyone around me chionging like mad to study and read their books just made me really quite sian. so strange right. so today in sch i didn't pay attention to the lectures and i slept quite a lot and then i saw my jc friend at the back of the LT who was crashing so i went to talk to him haha..

anw, now thinking about it. i guess we really need to have the right perspective in life. i felt sian cos i was a bit at a loss at what to do. but now i know. it's quite simple. just study what i can, study the impt things, tmr go hospital, try to find good cases, practise presenting, find out what i need to read up on, come home and read. repeat this the next day until friday and i guess i should be fine for the test! even if i don't do well for the test, or worse still even fail, then i just learn from it. there are some repercussions if i fail such as maybe i can't go overseas as much as i want for electives in year 4 cos of remedial, but hey we just learn to deal with it. i don't wanna live my life with episodes where i have this constant state of sian-ness and anxiousness about whether can pass or what if i fail etc.

and sth else that has been brewing up in my mind. suppose i know tmr i have cancer and have 3 mths to live. of course i'll be sad and stuff cos there are many other things i would like to do like travel, have my own family, be a doctor etc etc.. but apart from that, i'm wondering how will i spend that last 3 mth. suppose i cannot stop my daily routine. means i still go to hospital etc, still take end of posting test, go for medicine posting take medicine test etc etc.... won't my attitude be a bit more different? i'll probably be less worried and anxious and like grumble and complain and "die la sian la fail la". i would learn to see what is important in life. the way you live your life, the way you look at things, the perspective you have. i mean those things like results and marks wouldn't matter so much will they. i'm not saying we don't work hard. i'm just saying we work hard without grumbling and complaining and worrying and being such a pessimist or whatever.

the philosophy of "you only learn to live when u are ready to die" is making more and more sense to me. remembering that one day we're all gonna die is the best way of avoiding the trap of living for the expectations of others. moreover, death should be something that we christians shouldn't fear. i mean of course i don't wanna die, but hey i guess i should be able to die anytime. we always take for granted that we have the next day to live don't we.....

i wished i could say much more, but i need to study. haha i hope i will be able to live my life such that i'm ready to die anytime. it's a bit strange. but i guess it is possible.